Twitter, Texas, and Terrible Advice
Here's a quick clip of some of my stand up material! This was performed last week at a cool venue in San Francisco called the Brainwash. This was my 19th time on stage.
Country Music for the Dietary Challenged
I have struggled through the years with a very difficult digestive disposition. At times it has been hard, other times it was so hard that it clogged the toilet. But through thick and thin (mostly thick) I managed to make it through the days with a smile on my face... which would occasionally turn into a grimace. I actually counted the number of hours I've spent in the bathroom over the years, and the verdict is that I should move a futon into the restroom.
Please enjoy my country music debut!
Cartoon Sarvate Sings “Another Beatles Tribute”
You know how when you listen to the Beatles you feel like a carefree child again? Like you could close your eyes and not have to-
No? Neither do I. But here's a video of mine that contains a little bit of racism and gayness:
Heaven is the Hot Spot Official Music Video
Do you like blasphemy? Do you like grills? What a tidy coincidence! Watch this video:
Comedy Album Released
Hi Guys, I've released a 6 song self titled EP. You can find all the tracks which can be played for free here:
http://www.purevolume.com/RichardSarvate
Hope you enjoy it!
Friday At The Club – New Music Video
Friday night... WHAT SHOULD WE DO?? Let's go out to the club!
Hold on - I hate clubs. The club scene really targets that delicate balance between hating yourself and actually killing yourself. Let's see:
- First you stand in a line while a fat bouncer stands at the door (gluttony).
- Then you pay this fat man $10 or so (greed).
- You see a bunch of thug looking guys who think they're the shit (pride)
- Nasty people touching each each other in a weird lazy sex rubbing dance (sloth and lust)
- You end up wishing you were better looking (envy)
- Some guy tries to fight you towards the end of the night (wrath)
- You go home sad and masturbate (not a sin)
To better help explain the situation here is a music video we've created. Enjoy!
Deaf People Welcome Spring – No Gloves Means Clear Speech
No Gloves
Deaf people across the northern hemisphere are rejoicing (quietly) as they prepare for the onset of Spring. The hearing impaired suffer through the Winter months due to excessive hand wear. For most, trying to speak in cold weather while wearing heavy gloves is like trying to have a conversation at a nightclub.
"It's so hard to communicate and I can't do anything about it. I feel like my hands are tied", said Sean, who has suffered from poor hearing all his life.
One unfortunate victim accidentally purchased mittens instead of gloves. This resulted in extremely poor communication causing his friendships to deteriorate. He switched back to gloves after two weeks. He realized that though he had saved $2.95 on mittens, he had been having thoughts of self-lynching due to extreme loneliness.
There are other unexpected quirks in the deaf community. One ASL member, Darren, recounts speaking with deaf foreigners.
“I hate the Indian accent. With all that hair coming from the knuckles how can you concentrate on what’s being said?”
Darren speaks favorably of other groups though.
“I love the French, their speech is so sensual. They use a lot of lotion which really softens the conversation."
Sign language requires limber wrists and expressive gestures, so it's no wonder that the most eloquent people tend to be homosexuals.
Anger tends to be expressed in interesting ways. The most vicious insult is generally "I hope you get carpal tunnel!" and in sign language a slap in the face generally means "fuck you". Though, the gesture does seem to retain it's meaning in other dialects as well.
Bad Economy Affects Disney Stars – Cinderella Gets Pink Slipper
Cinderella Crying After Being Fired
The economic recession has been tough for all us, but there have been some unlikely victims. The recent string of firings have left several former animated idols unemployed and protesting in the streets.
Cinderella recently dealt with a change in employment status. During the market downturn she was able to land a job at the Macy's shoe department by citing her work with footwear in her 1950 eponymous film "Cinderella". However, during the latest round of layoffs she found herself out of work.
"She spent too much time trying on different shoes instead of working", reported Sheila Armstrong, Cinderella's former supervisor.
Several other animated stars have had similar experiences.
Aurora, who starred in Sleeping Beauty was enjoying a thriving career at Mattress Discounters until recently. She was made redundant for taking frequent naps while on the job.
Snow White managed to land a job selling produce at Safeway in early 2002 due to her specialty in dealing with apples. While on the job she consistently warned customers of the dangers of narcolepsy associated with eating the fruit. Sales plummeted as a result and she was terminated. The Seven Dwarves who had managed to find work at Home Depot were allowed to stay. However, they were told to "quit the damn whistling".
Peter Pan was able to find work at Toy's R Us when he affirmed "I will never grow up". The toy store was impressed by the youngster's resolve and hired him immediately. Unfortunately he too was let go soon after it was discovered that he was destroying Captain Hook action figures. Some Captain Barbossa figures were defamed as well, but in much lesser quantities.
Not all Disney characters have been subjected to economic oppression. Aladdin decided to flee the United States after the September 11th attacks due to the increased hostility towards Middle Easterners. While flying back to Iran on his magic carpet he did bump into a tall American building. Fortunately it was reported to be an accident which only caused minor damage to one window.
There's no happy ending here, but lets take solace that these characters suffer alongside ourselves in a land near, nearby.
Biebama – A Presidential Pop Star
- Biebama T Shirt
You like Obama.
But despite that, you've never managed to get through a full State of the Union address. And why should you have to? You're a full grown adult (still living with parents) and can make your own decisions (ask mom first).
Enter Biebama. A hybrid of the best qualities that both handsome celebrities have to offer.
* Good haircut
* President of USA
Obama's biggest supporters are generally males in their 40's. Justin Bieber's are mostly 12 year old girls.
Biebama fans are both: 40 year old males who like 12 year old girls.
Can we have a president that knows how to sing as well?
"Yes We Can."
Will we ever see a pop star living in the White House?
"Never Say Never."
Give your vote to this pubescent politician by wearing this shirt!
- Biebama T Shirt
Why Somalia is Poor and Hungry
- Somalia is Starving T Shirt
It's a Friday night and you're out with the boys. Crusing for vaginal interactions. Nothing on the brain but consuming fermented beverages, "Double Downs" from KFC, and spitting game.
Fast forward to 3:30am in the morning. Bile is flying up your esophagus and down into a lavatorial drain. It will slosh down the sewer pipes and run through a filtration system (93% effective) before being reused in the water tank at your grandmother's house.
You feel bad for being so gluttonous. You realize - man, there's all these starving people in Somalia... WHAT A BUZZKILL.
Lets analyze what is wrong with Somalia that causes its inhabitants to be poor and hungry.
1. What the hell is up with the SHAPE of the country?!
The shape is highly inefficient. Imagine a scenario where a potato is grown on the Western side of the country. Well OBVIOUSLY, by the time you get that spud over to the people in that weird tail part you ain't makin' no french fries. Here's a diagram to illustrate my point:
Somalia
2. They have pirates.
Look. I like Johnny Depp as much as the next guy and I cheered when he found his rightful place as the captain of the Black Pearl. But dude, pirates are BAD FOR THE ECONOMY. If you have any hope that one day your currency will be backed by actual gold in your country's treasury... skip the pirates, they won't stop touching your booty.
3. They haven't jumped on the revolution bandwagon.
Egypt's doing it, Tunisia's doing it, Libya... Come on Somalia! Overthrowing your government is the political makeover equivalent of being featured on MTV's "Made". Don't forget to post pictures on Facebook!