Deaf People Welcome Spring – No Gloves Means Clear Speech
No Gloves
Deaf people across the northern hemisphere are rejoicing (quietly) as they prepare for the onset of Spring. The hearing impaired suffer through the Winter months due to excessive hand wear. For most, trying to speak in cold weather while wearing heavy gloves is like trying to have a conversation at a nightclub.
"It's so hard to communicate and I can't do anything about it. I feel like my hands are tied", said Sean, who has suffered from poor hearing all his life.
One unfortunate victim accidentally purchased mittens instead of gloves. This resulted in extremely poor communication causing his friendships to deteriorate. He switched back to gloves after two weeks. He realized that though he had saved $2.95 on mittens, he had been having thoughts of self-lynching due to extreme loneliness.
There are other unexpected quirks in the deaf community. One ASL member, Darren, recounts speaking with deaf foreigners.
“I hate the Indian accent. With all that hair coming from the knuckles how can you concentrate on what’s being said?”
Darren speaks favorably of other groups though.
“I love the French, their speech is so sensual. They use a lot of lotion which really softens the conversation."
Sign language requires limber wrists and expressive gestures, so it's no wonder that the most eloquent people tend to be homosexuals.
Anger tends to be expressed in interesting ways. The most vicious insult is generally "I hope you get carpal tunnel!" and in sign language a slap in the face generally means "fuck you". Though, the gesture does seem to retain it's meaning in other dialects as well.
Bad Economy Affects Disney Stars – Cinderella Gets Pink Slipper
Cinderella Crying After Being Fired
The economic recession has been tough for all us, but there have been some unlikely victims. The recent string of firings have left several former animated idols unemployed and protesting in the streets.
Cinderella recently dealt with a change in employment status. During the market downturn she was able to land a job at the Macy's shoe department by citing her work with footwear in her 1950 eponymous film "Cinderella". However, during the latest round of layoffs she found herself out of work.
"She spent too much time trying on different shoes instead of working", reported Sheila Armstrong, Cinderella's former supervisor.
Several other animated stars have had similar experiences.
Aurora, who starred in Sleeping Beauty was enjoying a thriving career at Mattress Discounters until recently. She was made redundant for taking frequent naps while on the job.
Snow White managed to land a job selling produce at Safeway in early 2002 due to her specialty in dealing with apples. While on the job she consistently warned customers of the dangers of narcolepsy associated with eating the fruit. Sales plummeted as a result and she was terminated. The Seven Dwarves who had managed to find work at Home Depot were allowed to stay. However, they were told to "quit the damn whistling".
Peter Pan was able to find work at Toy's R Us when he affirmed "I will never grow up". The toy store was impressed by the youngster's resolve and hired him immediately. Unfortunately he too was let go soon after it was discovered that he was destroying Captain Hook action figures. Some Captain Barbossa figures were defamed as well, but in much lesser quantities.
Not all Disney characters have been subjected to economic oppression. Aladdin decided to flee the United States after the September 11th attacks due to the increased hostility towards Middle Easterners. While flying back to Iran on his magic carpet he did bump into a tall American building. Fortunately it was reported to be an accident which only caused minor damage to one window.
There's no happy ending here, but lets take solace that these characters suffer alongside ourselves in a land near, nearby.